My Struggle With Me, The Beginning

“You are a child of the Universe,

No less than the trees and the stars;

You have a right to be here.”

When I was little, my Mum would create posters and pictures for me, to help encourage me, guide me, and make me smile. Those pictures and words have remained with me, and through the various battles I have and will face, they are something to hold on to. a piece of my mum’s love to remember.

I lost my Mum the day before I turned 10. She battled with all her strength against the cancer that had spread within her for the second time, however she couldn’t fight forever, and eventually her pain dissolved into peace, and she let go. I remember at the time being told she had used all her might to hold on to see my through my tenth birthday, the big double digits, but that at the final hurdle she wasn’t able to carry on. I take comfort in the fact she held on for me as long as she could.

Of course I wonder what life would have been like if she was still here today. Would I still be the way I am? Would I still have faced the same personal battles? Would I have been stronger,  less afraid of abandonment, more optimistic about life? I don’t blame her for who I have become, in no way whatsoever, but I do often wonder how different life could have been if she was still here. Many people I have spoken with, Councillors, Doctors, Psychiatrists, Specialists, have all stemmed my problems back to a beginning trigger point, a moment of severe trauma, the loss of my mother. I suppose everyone faces experiences that shape who they are, moments that change them forever. Perhaps this was mine.

I’ve decided to start this blog as a way to help me process my thoughts, and to hopefully help other people understand who I am, and why I am.

But, through it all, I need to try to remember- I am a ‘child of the universe’, and no matter how much I doubt it, or fight against it, or even sometimes wish it wasn’t true, I do have a right to be here. I hope this new venture into the world of self-help and self-exploration can help to remind me of that.

E.

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An image created by Mum and placed in my bedroom when I was little.

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4 thoughts on “My Struggle With Me, The Beginning

  1. This is lovely Elfi and brought a tear to my eye, to have a special bond with your mum is wonderful but a shame for your loss at such a young age. I’m sure your words will help others and I hope your struggle stops xx

    Liked by 1 person

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