Prompt 5 – Food

Today some dear friends of mine made us bolognese.

A simple dish. A simple act of kindness. A simple thing that made me feel warm inside.

Spaghetti is one of those meals most people view as a ‘comfort food’. I’ve had this dish prepared for me by all the most important people in my life, and it always reminds me of the bolognese my mum used to make many years ago. It was the tastiest thing I had ever eaten, but sadly no one seems to remember the recipe. It’s funny how such a simple thing, like a particular meal, can transport you back to a particular time, a particular moment, with a particular person.

This isn’t destined to be a beautiful piece of writing that moves people to tears or inspires passion to rise up within them, instead it’s a simple thank you to those closest to me, who always know how to make me smile, and know how to cook a really good spaghetti. Thank you guys.

E.

Prompt 4 – Dancing

Outstretched arms

Touching skies

Pointed toes

Emotive eyes

Graceful breath

Quiet tears

Arching back

Expelling fears

Open heart

Infectious flight

Pushing through

Personal plight

Flying free

Weightless wonder

Beautiful soul

Inner thunder

Reaching hands

Feeling alive

Defying odds

Always survive

Dissolving time

Enjoying Forever

Perfectly alone

Dancing together

E.

Prompt 3 – The Vessel

Once upon a time, I cant remember when, I heard about a Vessel. And this wasn’t just any ordinary Vessel. I learned it was incredibly large in its most powerful form, and yet invisible to most. It’s destination was different for anyone who chose to step aboard, and you could only take the trip once, and alone. No one could really explain how the Vessel arrived, or why it was here. Often it would disappear for months at a time, but without a sound it would always creep back into the harbour and reveal itself once again to its chosen few.

As time went on, I started to see the Vessel more and more often. in the corner of my eye I would notice when it had returned. Other people would continue on with their normal day, unaware of this looming entity that had invaded our town and moored up in my mind. Sometimes it would stay in the distance, gently swaying to the rhythm of the wind, unassuming and yet undeniably present. At other times it would loom higher than the tallest trees, casting its shadow across everywhere I went. It was so incredibly powerful, its darkness luring me in, making me eager to investigate where it would take me.

I don’t know where I was or what I was doing when I was first gifted with the ticket. Perhaps I always had one, just never noticed. The ticket itself was lighter than air and yet held a heavy price. I could step aboard the Vessel, and it offered to take me to the place my heart most desired, but with one catch. I could never come back. I could be transported to somewhere so beautiful, so full of intoxicating happiness and peace, but I had to leave the ones I love behind. I couldn’t tell them where I was going, after all to most the Vessel didn’t even exist. But to me it did, and it was calling my name. Offering me such an enticing opportunity.. the ticket began burning a whole in my pocket.

I kept convincing myself not to go. I didn’t want to leave the people I love behind. I didn’t want to never again be able to see their smiles, hear their laughter or feel their warmth. But the Vessel…. the Vessel could give me a freedom I had never experienced before, It could take me away to somewhere incredible. As time went on, and difficulties arose in my life, the Vessel kept coming back, sailing into view and calling me aboard. Sometimes it was almost impossible to deny the temptation to step on board. it was such an attractive idea, to leave the mess this life could be behind and accept the invitation to travel on to my next endeavour. Perhaps I was lucky to be one of the few who knew about the Vessel, its power and possibility. Perhaps it was always my chosen path, to one day accept my fate and take this leap of faith. I could step out, and where others think I would plunge into the depths below, I would in fact rise up on the Vessel and find myself transported to somewhere my soul could be set on fire. To the place I always felt I was meant to be.

All it would take is for me to take that one step. Imagine how incredible it would be to finally feel like you were somewhere you truly belong. I want to! I want to see where the vessel takes me. I want to know what it’s like. I am going to do this, I’m going to push myself forward, take that step and see what the other side holds in store for me. I’ve been gifted with the knowledge of this Vessel, others might not see it but I can, it’s here and it’s huge and this time it’s not going away. It’s here for me.

 

Once upon a time, I heard about a Vessel. This Vessel had the power to take you to the place you most wanted to go. One day, after spending years debating whether or not to step aboard, I took a deep breath, stretched out my foot, and

 

 

E.

 

Prompt 2 – Unrequited Love

The day began okay. We woke up together, ate breakfast and pottered about the house, doing our own thing as normal. I didn’t realise anything was wrong, normally i’m quite good at sensing these things. Maybe I was just ignoring it, hoping I was wrong or that it would go away. I carried on with my day. I was loving and attentive, trying not to be dissuaded when my love wasn’t returned and my enthusiasm wasn’t appreciated.

As the afternoon pushed on things became a little more concerning. the hairs on the back of my neck stood up as I noticed him packing up a small bag, I didn’t see what he was putting inside but after a few moments I did realise most of my favourite belongings had moved from where I left them. I must have just put them somewhere else, moved them and forgotten. That wont be whats in the bag… and its not like I could just go and look inside. He’s zipped it up and left it on the kitchen worktop by the door.. I don’t want to upset him by going through his things, I know he doesn’t like that.

I find myself now unable to settle down or focus my attention on any one thing. I wander from room to room trying to be close to him but every time I get near him he moves away. I just want to give him a cuddle, why wont he let me? Whats going on? what have I done? I’m hungry but I can tell we wont be eating anything anytime soon.

Finally, after what seems like forever, he calls me over. I run to him. my excitement is radiating from me.  I love him. I love him so so much. I try to reach up to kiss him but he gently pushes me away and simply signals to the door. That’s okay, walks are good, right? who doesn’t enjoy a walk? perhaps going out for a little exploration might help clear the atmosphere that seems to be lingering around us and he will be happy again. He always used to tell me things when we would go out walking together, it was like a safe place he felt comfortable enough to open up to me in, and I’ve always been a good listener. Maybe he just needs some fresh air and a chance to talk things through. I follow him out as he picks up the bag he had put together earlier and throws it over his shoulder. I head towards the gate but he wanders over to the car, opening the door for me and gesturing inside. I get in and sit patiently as he puts the bag in the boot. I’m sure this is okay. I’m sure we are just going somewhere nice and scenic, somewhere we can spend some quality time together.

As the car sputters into life I turn my gaze out the window. He hasn’t told me where we are going, he hasn’t said a word. But i’m sure i’ll like it. He knows me, knows I like the outdoors and our walks we share together. I love him so much and he knows that. I make sure he knows. I’m always so excited to see him, as soon as he is home I’ll greet him and we will have dinner, cuddle up on the sofa, maybe even play a game. Granted he hasn’t been doing those things as much recently.. but i’m sure there is nothing wrong. We haven’t cuddled in a while and I cant remember us playing any games together in a long time… But I still love him, so things must be okay? then again I did knock that glass off the coffee table recently and spilt his drink all over the floor. I tried to help clean it up but he just shouted at me and pushed me away.. that upset him. I know I can be quite clumsy and needy but I love him and I always will, surly that’s what matters in the end.

Eventually the car pulls into a narrow side road and comes to a stop. I look around but I don’t recognise where we are, we’ve definitely not been here before. Normally we have a few set walking routes but I guess this one is new. As I look back over towards where he was sitting next to me moments before I notice he’s already left the car and is reaching into the boot to fetch that bag again. I follow his face as he wanders round to my door and opens it for me. Without skipping a beat I jump out and continue to look into his face, trying to make his eyes reach mine.. but they don’t. After a few more moments I stop trying to entice his gaze towards mine and instead take a look around at where we are. It’s getting dark now but I can see a bench a few steps ahead and after a few more moments he begins to walk towards it. I walk along side him quietly, briefly looking his way but still being met with a cold and sullen look strewn across his face, his eyes fixed on the floor in front. Once we reach the bench, he sits down.

Sitting next to him I know something is wrong. I didn’t want to see it before, didn’t want to believe it, but this is serious. He places the bag down beside him, and I hear a small slump as whatever is packed inside meets the floor. Looking up into his eyes once again, praying he looks back into mine, I try once again to cuddle up to him, but he wont let me. we just sit together in silence, the chirping of insects vibrating all around us. After what feels like a life time he finally breaks the silence. ‘I’m sorry’ he whispers as he shuffles around in his seat, fumbling with what looks like his coat, still unable to look at me. I’m sure at this point the concern on my face is undeniable as he stands up briskly leaving me to look up at him in despair. what is going on? For a quick moment he raises his hand to brush against my cheek, the warmth of his skin feeling like home. His eyes catch mine, but only for a second, as he signals for me to wait here. I do as he wants and before I realise whats happening he turns on his heels and marches off back to the car, jumping in and starting the engine. Fear washes over me as the car skids into action, turning around quickly and speeding away from me leaving nothing but a small cloud of dust behind.

I don’t understand. I begin to panic, I know he motioned for me to wait here but why has he driven off without me? why has he just left me here.. he’s never done this before, just driven off and left me at the side of the road! I look down at the bag he has left beside me, dread bubbling up inside.. why is this here? I can’t just sit and wait for him. I know he wanted me to but I cant, i’m scared and alone and I don’t understand whats happening. I love him and just want him to come back.

I jump up from where he left me sitting, on the bench beside the space that he once filled. I start to quickly walk in the direction the car sped off in, but before I can get far I feel a tug from behind. the feeling of fear is starting to completely overwhelm me.. I pull again harder, trying again and again to tug myself forward so I can run after him, but no matter how hard I try I cant do it. I just cant break free, and looking back I finally see what’s holding me back… my lead has been securely tied to the bench behind me.

Prompt 1 – Outside the Window

Sun trickles through the gap between my curtains, the light tracing patterns on the wall.

It’s morning again.

Slowly sitting upright, I reach my legs round and place my feet gently on the floor, the lush rug encompassing each of my toes. Its time to get up.

Three small steps is all it takes to get me across the room. my hands reach up and delicately brush the fabric aside, allowing the day to rush into the room and awaken every corner.  where once hung shadows colour now adorns. As my eyes adjust I notice speckles of dust glimmering on the window pane, dancing to the music the light had now provided them. I must give that a clean.

Looking out past this slight distraction I am greeted with an ever faithful view. the greying concrete of the path stretching out and meeting with the tarmac of the road. Mixtures of aluminium, steel, glass, and rubber meshed together speed past me, carrying separate souls with separate lives. Some I may see almost every morning, following their routine, carrying on their journey. Others I may never see again. In each others lives with a single flash of motion, only to be gone again forever.

As my gaze rises i’m met with blue sky and fractured clouds. I can feel the warmth of the sun pushing through the glass and drenching my skin. It’s a nice feeling. I stop and close my eyes, letting the comfort wash over me as a small smile creeps across my face. Lets hope today is a good day I whisper internally to myself, as I turn away from my window into the outside world, and walk towards the bedroom door.

Inspiration

I haven’t been writing much recently.

It’s been a mixture of things that I think has caused this. I’ve been busy for starters, re-building my life and working on the relationships I have now with the people that surround me. A lot in my life has been changing recently. I’m also very aware the first print out of my book is sitting quietly under my bed waiting for me to be brave enough to pick it up again and continue its journey, something i’ve been terrified to do since my world and many of the things that inspired my book were completely blown apart. As they say, Old things fall apart so that new things can fall together and my, is that true. But I still cant help but feel that tinge of dread at the thought of picking it back up and reading it through. I pored a big part of my life into those pages and now my life has changed so substantially i’m not sure if I should dive back into what id written and preserve the memory it currently holds, or hollow it out and use its skeletal remains to re-write a new version of events. Who knows what I should do.. but with all this running through my mind and out through the cracks my inspiration to write has been drained almost completely.

 

And I don’t think those are the only reasons for my current writing hiatus. I also think its because I’ve allowed self doubt to start to swallow me up a little. I mean, why would anyone want to read what I have to say? what have I got to say that could possibly be important enough to read?! Maybe I don’t have anything important to say, or maybe I do. Maybe it’s not up to me to decide whether the words I write have any value or meaning, but instead it’s up to the people who might chose to read them.

 

So, with this in mind, i’ve decided its time to jump back on that horse, so to speak, and find some sort of focus to hopefully inspire me to begin scrawling out the jumbled words in my head onto the page, and perhaps a smidgen of sense might spring up out of them. to help me with this i’ve researched 365 writing prompts to help motivate the unmotivated writer, and I plan to work my way through them as best I can. It will no doubt take me longer than the intended year to complete all 365, but i’m making a start and trying to get myself back to a place where inspiration finds me, and words flow from me again.

Keep your fingers crossed for me guys, cos’ I’ll be using mine for typing.

 

E.

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The Pull of the Sea

The breeze was cool as it gently brushed her hair away from her face, her cheeks turning slightly rosey in colour. Her pace had slowed as she moved closer to the sea, the sand allowing her feet to sink a little deeper with each step forward. She could feel the tiny grains spilling over the tops of her trainers and making their way down to mingle amongst her toes.

Watching the water gently lap across the shore her mind began to wander once again. memories flooded her mind as the sea flooded the sands. It was such a peaceful place, somewhere to think and reflect. Her mother’s ashes were here. She knew when the time came this is where she wanted to finish her story too, the only real question left to answer was ‘when?’

Granted life had recently left her feeling as though she was already drowning, but her family and friends had held her up and kept her from sinking down too far. She had found a peace she didn’t expect to feel, in a place she never expected to find it. But the pull of the sea still called to her. How easy it would be to simply keep walking. To take a few more steps and allow the sea to carry her further, to lift the weight from her feet and allow her to finally rest. To feel the water wash away her fears, and worries. Her doubts and concerns. To finally be free.

As her mind began to float forward towards the sea in front of her, a gentle tugging pulled her back to the shore. Looking down, her four legged friend looked back up at her. His curled tail gently wiggling side to side, his quirky features patiently waiting for her to lean down and give him another fuss. How can a little furry friend save her from herself so often without even a word? She didn’t know, all she knew was he did, over and over again, and probably always would.

She knew deep down she didn’t want to let go just yet. There were things she wanted to do, memories left to make, and people left to love. The sea just always seemed to have the ability to pull her in if she looked out towards it for too long.

‘Not today’ she thought, as she pulled her feet out of the sand and her gaze away from the water.

Making her way back up to the sea wall she looked down and smiled. Her little companions feet were gently trotting along, his nails tapping the floor below. ‘Let’s get you home, hey?’ She whispered.

I haven’t cried today.

The last 11 days have been some of the hardest of my life.

In short, I’ve lost my partner and best friend, my home, and ownership of two of my dogs.

I have no money. No job. No stability. No home and no furniture.

I have cried every single day for the last ten days. Depression grabbed hold of me even tighter than before. Anxiety has been suffocating me. Loneliness has been swallowing me up whole.

But today. Today I haven’t cried.

I’m still so hurt. I still feel so broken. I still want to curl up in a ball, squash my eyes closed and pretend none of this is happening. But I’m somehow still going. Somehow still breathing. It’s hard to accept the one you love doesn’t want you anymore, in fact it’s near impossible. But that is my reality. And it feels like someone has taken a hammer and smashed up everything I thought was real and unbreakable.

But somehow, I am still here. Somehow, I am still breathing, my heart still beating. And somehow, and I have no idea how, I haven’t cried today.

E.

Is Honesty Really the Best Policy?

It’s been said so many times before, and will no doubt be said so many times again. Honesty is the best policy. But is this something we actually believe? And is this something we should genuinely live by?

I find myself right now currently dealing with this dilemma. Do I come clean, and let someone know my true feelings, or do I keep quiet with the hopes of not saying something that might ruin the friendship. Because really, is it worth the risk of losing a friendship just to say how you feel and get something off your chest? It’s one of those what if situations, and I worry if I choose the wrong one it could have some really shitty consequences that I would then have to live with. what if I say the wrong thing? What if I don’t say something and then really wish I had?

What if

What if

What if.

I guess everyone has there secrets and opinions, I just don’t like being one of those people. I want to be honest. I like being open and upfront with people. But I don’t want to fuck things up. I only have a few close friends in my life and I don’t want to lose them or to hurt them with what I say, and on the flip side of that I don’t want to hide how I really feel or in the long run feel guilty for not being honest. I know I’d prefer to hear the truth, but I can’t say that for everyone.

Wouldn’t they ask me how I honestly felt if it was something they really wanted to know?

Maybe they would appreciate my honesty?

Maybe they already know on some level how I feel?

Maybe I’m too worried and scared to even find out?

Who knows. Why can’t things ever just be simple ey?

E.

Spring Cleaning

As spring looms once again and we get our one nice week of weather, with it comes my need to spring clean and de-clutter. It’s a phase I think most people go through, needing to reinvent the environment they find themselves existing in every day. I’ve never been a particularly tidy person, I’ve always tried but it just doesn’t come naturally to me. I visit other people’s houses that look like pages taken straight out of home style magazines and it makes me tingle with envy and disappoint in myself. And so I try once again to organise my home and organise my life I doing so.

And so, yesterday I decided to tackle that task once again and began sorting things through, this time beginning with my wardrobe. I put away the jumpers, (hopeful I know), reorganised the dresses and compiled a large pile of clothing that I no longer need or wear. Whilst I was doing this, sat amongst a mountain of material, someone Ive started to feel quite close too asked me a simple and yet complex question.

If you were going to write about something right now, what would it be?

And I guess a few things ran through my mind at hearing that. The first was that I couldn’t believe someone actually cared what I had to say, and take the time to read the things I write. And that meant a lot to me. The second was, quite obviously, what would I write about, right in this moment? I suppose the obvious answer was quite literally surrounding me. Why is it I feel the need to go through and throw out my things? Again, the simple answer for most is ‘spring cleaning’, but I know deep down that’s not the case for me. As with most things, my mind heads to a dark place when I think about why it is I feel the need to throw away my belongings and try to stream line my stuff.

When I die, I don’t want my family and friends to have to sort through piles of my belongings and mountains of memories.

See, I told you my mind was dark. But that is the honest truth. I don’t want the people I care about most to have to spend hours rifling through my things trying to figure out what had meaning and what is meaningless. When I’m gone I want them to have a clean break and not leave behind more things for them to sort through or worry about. I don’t want to clutter up their lives anymore than I did when I was alive. So that is the real reason I try to throw things away or donate them where I can. Because in the end we can’t take any of it with us, can we?

As I admired another friends perfect show home I expressed how much I wish I could live like her and not become so heavily invested in items and their sentimental value to me, and she said something that really stuck with me.

You hold onto things because you have lost a lot of important people in your life.

And this is true is well. I hold onto the items with memories because sometimes I know I won’t have a chance to make any new ones. And that’s a tough and yet strong dose of reality. So with that in mind I guess it is ok for me to keep hold of things that remind me of happier times and memories of years gone by, even if they do take up done room or make my home a little messier than others. I just need to separate those meaningful keepsakes from those other little trinkets I can’t help but hold onto as a painful reminder of who I was and a vain attempt to get myself back to the person I used to be. I think that ship has sailed, and she is long gone by now. I may not like who I am now, but holding onto a shirt from 10 years ago isn’t going to magically turn back time and take me back to a place I get more comfortable in my own skin, that’s for sure.

So I guess for now I will keep sorting things out, carrying on with my own version of a spring clean. But instead of letting my inner darkness take over and throw away everything just in case something was to happen to me, I’ll try to get rid of things that no longer ‘bring joy’ and instead make some room for new memories while being sure to treat the old ones with the love and respect they deserve. After all, I’m not gone yet, and while I’m still here these dinosaur coins and two toned sunglasses are still pretty priceless to me.

E.