The day began okay. We woke up together, ate breakfast and pottered about the house, doing our own thing as normal. I didn’t realise anything was wrong, normally i’m quite good at sensing these things. Maybe I was just ignoring it, hoping I was wrong or that it would go away. I carried on with my day. I was loving and attentive, trying not to be dissuaded when my love wasn’t returned and my enthusiasm wasn’t appreciated.
As the afternoon pushed on things became a little more concerning. the hairs on the back of my neck stood up as I noticed him packing up a small bag, I didn’t see what he was putting inside but after a few moments I did realise most of my favourite belongings had moved from where I left them. I must have just put them somewhere else, moved them and forgotten. That wont be whats in the bag… and its not like I could just go and look inside. He’s zipped it up and left it on the kitchen worktop by the door.. I don’t want to upset him by going through his things, I know he doesn’t like that.
I find myself now unable to settle down or focus my attention on any one thing. I wander from room to room trying to be close to him but every time I get near him he moves away. I just want to give him a cuddle, why wont he let me? Whats going on? what have I done? I’m hungry but I can tell we wont be eating anything anytime soon.
Finally, after what seems like forever, he calls me over. I run to him. my excitement is radiating from me. I love him. I love him so so much. I try to reach up to kiss him but he gently pushes me away and simply signals to the door. That’s okay, walks are good, right? who doesn’t enjoy a walk? perhaps going out for a little exploration might help clear the atmosphere that seems to be lingering around us and he will be happy again. He always used to tell me things when we would go out walking together, it was like a safe place he felt comfortable enough to open up to me in, and I’ve always been a good listener. Maybe he just needs some fresh air and a chance to talk things through. I follow him out as he picks up the bag he had put together earlier and throws it over his shoulder. I head towards the gate but he wanders over to the car, opening the door for me and gesturing inside. I get in and sit patiently as he puts the bag in the boot. I’m sure this is okay. I’m sure we are just going somewhere nice and scenic, somewhere we can spend some quality time together.
As the car sputters into life I turn my gaze out the window. He hasn’t told me where we are going, he hasn’t said a word. But i’m sure i’ll like it. He knows me, knows I like the outdoors and our walks we share together. I love him so much and he knows that. I make sure he knows. I’m always so excited to see him, as soon as he is home I’ll greet him and we will have dinner, cuddle up on the sofa, maybe even play a game. Granted he hasn’t been doing those things as much recently.. but i’m sure there is nothing wrong. We haven’t cuddled in a while and I cant remember us playing any games together in a long time… But I still love him, so things must be okay? then again I did knock that glass off the coffee table recently and spilt his drink all over the floor. I tried to help clean it up but he just shouted at me and pushed me away.. that upset him. I know I can be quite clumsy and needy but I love him and I always will, surly that’s what matters in the end.
Eventually the car pulls into a narrow side road and comes to a stop. I look around but I don’t recognise where we are, we’ve definitely not been here before. Normally we have a few set walking routes but I guess this one is new. As I look back over towards where he was sitting next to me moments before I notice he’s already left the car and is reaching into the boot to fetch that bag again. I follow his face as he wanders round to my door and opens it for me. Without skipping a beat I jump out and continue to look into his face, trying to make his eyes reach mine.. but they don’t. After a few more moments I stop trying to entice his gaze towards mine and instead take a look around at where we are. It’s getting dark now but I can see a bench a few steps ahead and after a few more moments he begins to walk towards it. I walk along side him quietly, briefly looking his way but still being met with a cold and sullen look strewn across his face, his eyes fixed on the floor in front. Once we reach the bench, he sits down.
Sitting next to him I know something is wrong. I didn’t want to see it before, didn’t want to believe it, but this is serious. He places the bag down beside him, and I hear a small slump as whatever is packed inside meets the floor. Looking up into his eyes once again, praying he looks back into mine, I try once again to cuddle up to him, but he wont let me. we just sit together in silence, the chirping of insects vibrating all around us. After what feels like a life time he finally breaks the silence. ‘I’m sorry’ he whispers as he shuffles around in his seat, fumbling with what looks like his coat, still unable to look at me. I’m sure at this point the concern on my face is undeniable as he stands up briskly leaving me to look up at him in despair. what is going on? For a quick moment he raises his hand to brush against my cheek, the warmth of his skin feeling like home. His eyes catch mine, but only for a second, as he signals for me to wait here. I do as he wants and before I realise whats happening he turns on his heels and marches off back to the car, jumping in and starting the engine. Fear washes over me as the car skids into action, turning around quickly and speeding away from me leaving nothing but a small cloud of dust behind.
I don’t understand. I begin to panic, I know he motioned for me to wait here but why has he driven off without me? why has he just left me here.. he’s never done this before, just driven off and left me at the side of the road! I look down at the bag he has left beside me, dread bubbling up inside.. why is this here? I can’t just sit and wait for him. I know he wanted me to but I cant, i’m scared and alone and I don’t understand whats happening. I love him and just want him to come back.
I jump up from where he left me sitting, on the bench beside the space that he once filled. I start to quickly walk in the direction the car sped off in, but before I can get far I feel a tug from behind. the feeling of fear is starting to completely overwhelm me.. I pull again harder, trying again and again to tug myself forward so I can run after him, but no matter how hard I try I cant do it. I just cant break free, and looking back I finally see what’s holding me back… my lead has been securely tied to the bench behind me.